When something breaks, the first instinct is to find the glue. You search frantically for a way to piece things back together, to make it whole again. You’ll try anything, no matter how messy or ill-advised, just to stop the bleeding and fill the void that has been left behind.
But some solutions aren’t really solutions at all. For one woman, her husband’s proposed “fix” for their shared tragedy was a terrible culmination of ideas that would inflict a second, more personal wound. The plan was so bizarre and cruel that it threatened to destroy what little was left.
Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes, but how you deal with it as a couple says a lot about the state of your relationship
A couple’s shared tragedy of a stillbirth left them grieving and their marriage in a very fragile state
I am honestly shocked beyond belief about the last 24 hours. I really feel the need for some neutral opinions to help me get through this.
A little background: my partner and I have been married for four years and together for seven. He is a civil engineer who is quite indifferent about the career; in fact, his real passions are his hobbies, our relationship and his friends. I am a doctor in emergency medicine and that is my passion. I love my husband, my friends and I have hobbies, but my work is my one, definite passion.
The husband then proposed the bizarre and cruel solution that he would impregnate his coworker the natural way
Since I was 12 becoming a doctor has been my dream, and I have achieved it.
Now, regarding my issue: about 14 months ago, my husband encouraged me to get pregnant; he wanted a baby. I honestly did not share that desire. I was finally finding my rhythm at work, we had just purchased our first condo together, and we weren’t living a particularly child-friendly lifestyle. I didn’t express my feelings to him, mostly because I was afraid, and we had never really disagreed before. So, I remained silent and thought it wouldn’t be a significant sacrifice to have a baby. I believed I could make it work.
He called the plan “cost-efficient” and told his grieving wife that she “owed it to him” to agree
She discovered he’d already been having a deep emotional affair with this coworker for months
After a powerful confrontation, it dawned on him just how badly he had messed up
In a desperate bid to save his marriage, he quit his job and cut off all contact with the other woman
The suffering wife investigated further, finding messages that confirmed the coworker was predatory and manipulative
The other woman was making remarks to the husband that insinuated the stillbirth was actually her faultThe woman told her husband that she needed some space to try to process the two massive traumas that had been inflicted on herShe later revealed that they were going to therapy and trying to work on their relationship, repairing the damage that had been doneA woman who had just survived the double trauma of a stillbirth and her own resulting infertility was trying to heal. Her husband, who had initially pushed for the pregnancy she wasn’t ready for, seemed to be in a good place after therapy. But one night, he approached her with a “solution” to their problem, a plan so bizarre and cruel it would shatter their entire reality.He began by “forgiving” her for the loss of their son, a backhanded and deeply manipulative opening. He then revealed his master plan: a female coworker, with whom he had been sharing all their intimate marital and medical problems, had offered to be their surrogate. The catch? She would only do it if he impregnated her “the natural way,” and he was genuinely excited about this cost-efficient idea.When his wife, completely baffled, expressed her horror at this arrangement, he doubled down. He told her having a baby was “non-negotiable,” that it was “no big deal” for him to sleep with another woman, and that she “owed it to him” to agree. Instead of asking for her permission, he was informing her of his plan, a plan that felt more like a thinly veiled threat of an affair.When she confronted him, he admitted to the emotional affair. When she asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed, he was a “deer in the headlights.” After reading through their messages, she saw the coworker was the one making the moves by constantly insulting her and trying to drive them apart. Her husband, in his grief, hadn’t stood up for her, but he hadn’t actively betrayed her either.
